From the (Semi) Complete Works of William Soames Walthrop...Book IV...

Summary: Poems, Essays from the works of William Soames Walthrop, aka the Buffy Rebecca and other corners of the multi- verse...

Additional contributions to the recovery of the lost works of England's third worst poet are always welcome...

More from The American years...1968 +...

The Hallmark period...

{Editor's note: During his years in America from 1968-1997 Mr. Walthrop often found part-time employment as a card writer for Hallmark's Cards...]


M y tire was thumping.

I thought it was flat

I looked at the tire...

And noticed your cat...


Oh dear Watchers, I send you...

This fine picture of me...

Notice the coat...?

It was your Nikki's...


Heard your wife left you,

How upset you must be.

Don't fret about it...

She's moved in with me.


Looking back over the years

that we've been together,

I can't help but wonder...

"What the hell was I thinking?"


Congratulations on your wedding day!

For us lucky enough to have escaped you I mean...

Too bad no one likes your husband.


How could two people as beautiful as you

Have such an ugly baby?


Get well?

Why? You're gonna die anyway...


I 've always wanted to have

someone to hold,

someone to love.

After having known you ..

I've changed my mind.


Darling, I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.

I never believed in Hell until I met you.


As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...

That you're not here to ruin it for me.


Congratulations on your promotion.

Before you go...

Would you like to take this knife out of my back?

You'll probably need it again.


Congrats on the new romance...

I mean me...


One day closer to Death...


Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!

(Available only in Tennessee, Kentucky & West Virginia)


Happy birthday! You look great for your age.

Almost Lifelike!


When we were together,

you always said you'd die for me.

Now that we've broken up,

I think it's time you kept your promise.


W e have been friends for such a very long time ..

let's say we stop?


I 'm so miserable without you

it's almost like you're here.


Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.

Did you ever find out who the father was?


Your friends and I wanted to do

something special for your birthday.

So we're having you put to sleep.


Congrats on the new boyfriend..

Thank God he's blind...


So your daughter's a hooker,

and it spoiled your day.

Look at the bright side,

it's really good pay


Congratulations! It's a gay boy!


We all hate you...


On this special day, listen to your inner voice...

And shove that knife into your wife's throat.


Happy Birthday, Grandpa!

Just counting the days now...


Mary had a little lamb...

Its fleece stained red by the blood as it mournfully bleated for its gruesomely slaughtered owner, trying to move on the two legs I hadn't broken...


Eat, drink, and be merry...

For tomorrow night, I'm paying you a visit...